Thanksgiving Day, we were supposed to do some indoor rapelling. Something that I’ve not done yet. I told my husband that I want to do something out of the ordinary, to let out some steam that has build up in my system since Monday. A physical activity to sorta like liven up my spirit. To make the story short, I had my first ever panic attack Monday, an anxiety attack that resulted from an activity we did that same day. Obviously, it was a situation that drove me into a little bit over the top of compulsion. A wake up call. My husband described that I was very hyperactive to a point that I was twitching. I was stalling and couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything. I would suddenly fell silent, like in deep thoughts. But in my head, silence was far from what was happening. My mind was racing fast, too fast that I can’t seem to hold on to any single thought, so I kept still and quite. I also look drained and extremely exhausted. I was feeling the physical effect of it too, my heart rate is on the run and my breathing is a little tight. I didn’t do anything that is specially exhausting that day, it was just all in my head.
I wouldn’t take it for anything serious if not for my husband who said that he hasn’t seen me that way before. He knows my roller coaster emotions, from my usual “not in the mood to talk”, to my every now and then craziness. He was very concerned and said that it looks as though my OCD is worsening. I wouldn’t say it’s worsening, only that it had never gotten to a point that it reached a level that resulted to a panic attact. Most times, I have it under control. Needless to say, it wasn’t healthy and so we had a serious talk. I volunteered that maybe it is time to quit ignoring it. I’ve read just the other day that this can get worse during pregnancy. And I don’t want to get worse, I want to get better. Not better at handling but possibly completely eliminating it (if there’s any possibility of that at all).
We are planning to seek an expert. Someone professional I can talk to, to sorta like alter the distorted reasoning in my brain. I’ve read several cases of OCDs, mine is nowhere as serious as theirs, so I have that huge advantage to winning over this. I know all these are just “in the head”. I know I am intelligent and have an open mind to reasoning, that is a hope I cling on to. That is what I’ve read, OCD sufferers are usually highly intelligent people. If only, I can find help to shift that 360 degrees into something that will benefit me rather than cause problems. My thought pattens are complicated than normal people, it has its pros and cons but I am still well aware that I need help. Definitely drugs is out of the option. I don’t need drugs. Something like cognitive behavioral treatment would do. Someone to talk to who understands, who can shift my twisted beliefs of “clean and unclean” into something healthier for me and my family.
One of the self-help tips I’ve read is keeping your body fit and healthy. A healthy body equals a healthy mind. Yesterday, thanksgiving day, I had a time off from work, we were supposed to look for a gym or some place we could try some indoor rappelling. I am not into that kind of sports but, what the heck. Unfortunately though, I had my monthly visit so we settled to go to INBIOpark instead. We haven’t been there, so we decided to check it out. I was not in the mood to take pictures so pretty much we just played around. What a relaxing day. Another fun day spent well with my loving hubby.
I can almost hear my friend’s voice echoing in my brain at this point. How can someone as germ freak as me, would have pets in the house. And by the looks of this picture, how does these all fit? (let alone make sense). There are ways it can work and still suffer OCD, but it’s a little extra work. I always have sanitizer in my bag. And just as you can predict, soon as we got home, we stripped off our clothes and drop it straight to the laundry. My accessories and camera had to be wiped clean. This is a cage of 5-10 baby goats, obviously, there are poops everywhere (you get the picture).
The way I can make sense of it is that nature has equip me with a little self-healing of my own. My love for animals is in a way helping me subconsciously to deal with this persistent disorder. It helped me keep it under control all these years. I always have great time when I am around animals, to a degree that I forget about my OCD. I just genuinely have fun, my child spirit always wins. Instead of freaking out and screaming “yuckkkk!”, the experience is rewarding and I specially enjoy more because I have this in common with my husband. At least, it doesn’t stop me from having a normal life. I am still able to live my life day by day to the fullest.
I know that OCD stems from fear of losing control. I take it as both gift and a curse. Having it all these years has sharpened my thoughts, my reasoning and my perspective of life. Although I have struggled with it for many years, I don’t feel sorry for myself. Having OCD, allowed me to explore life far better than if I were just a normal individual. I wouldn’t have known, what I can be capable of and what makes me unique. Maybe many wouldn’t know what that means but in general terms, I’ve had my own share of fear and still able to act on it. Conquering both my sanity and my insanity. And above all, the joy of acting on impulse. My life would probably have been dull and monotonous if I were just a normal person, plain and ordinary. It’s a curse because there are times I can’t be free of the routines, and I know that my family suffers as well. So in light of hope that one day I can be completely free of it, I am willing to do whatever it takes. Moreover, I am trusting my Heavenly Father. Control is hard for me let go but I know that I would be better off if I leave the controlling to Him. Everyday is a surrendering I am learning to take. “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me”.
