I found myself losing patience with my son these past few days, and I feel ugly for feeling so mad and really irritated. First off, he suddenly started waking up too early, like around 4am or 5am, and would scream in his crib until I pick him up. Last month, we started putting him back in his crib around 4am, and it was fine. He wakes up between 6 to 6:30am, and play on his own. A few minutes to seven, he’ll start a soft cry, then I know that he soiled his diaper and need changing. I have accepted that waking time already and had made a new schedule for him. Then this happens. I usually give him a bottle at 3am and don’t go back to sleep until a few minutes before 4am. With him waking up now that early, it leaves me not having much sleep, and that made me upset and not having the patience I will need throughout the day.

Second, feeding him solids proved to be difficult these days. Only halfway finished with his meal, he starts to refuse and begin spitting out everything in his mouth, turn his head sideways and cry when I continue feeding him with his spoon. I am usually the kind who never back down on things like this, so I end up forcing him to finish every spoonful despite the mess and the screams.

And so this morning, feeling really bad with my attitude towards my son, I found myself browsing online, looking for similar experience with mommas out there. At 7 months I think that my son is teething, and that made me feel horrible. He is probably feeling some gum pains which made him irritable, waking up early, and refusing his food. I am not completely sure about this, as he hasn’t had any fever yet. Those are the only things so far that made me think the culprit is “teething”. If that is true indeed, then I am a bad mom for refusing to pick him up, when he probably needs some comfort from the pain he is feeling, and for forcing him to eat, when the food is probably causing him more pain.

I just read that forcing your baby to feed can turn into a vicious cycle eventually, and he may end up associating high chairs and food with force and being uncomfortable. That is definitely not good. I could almost hit my head with a stick for doing so. I feel guilty! I normally play with him when he eats and makes funny faces and all, but with lack of sleep, things easily upsets me. And added to the stress is that I am letting go of my nanny this Friday. Actually, she works only 3 days which isn’t really a big adjustment at all. But those 3 days are the only days I am able to relax and actually take some time off for myself. Losing her is stressing me a bit.

We hired her when Daniel was just 2 months. Those were the times that I truly cannot finish anything because he was one of those babies who always wants to be held, and I cannot let him cry for longer. It took me a few weeks to decide whether we should get a nanny or not. The idea of a stranger taking care of my baby is not so pleasing to me, but I was to the point of exhaustion, having only 3-4 hours of sleep a day. And it also rings in my head what I read, “a baby gets more attached to whoever takes care of him the most”. My husband however did made the decision, after seeing me almost drained of energy at the end of the day. But I made sure that she only has to take care of  my son for nothing more than 3 days and 8 hours only. That should not cause any attachment issues. But when Daniel turned 5 months, I realized that I probably won’t be needing her much longer, and besides, I need my son to teach me how to be a better mom. Hence, I decided to let her go soon as Daniel turns 8 months, of which she is very well informed in advance.

So here I am, a bit stressed and panicking. I know I shouldn’t, because it’s my son! And I am just going to do what God wants me to do. Everyday, I pray for strength and patience to carry out my duty not as though I am left with no choice, but to enjoy every single minute of motherhood, inspite of all the crying, screaming and the mess (and even the lack of sleep).

With his refusal to eat, well, I’ll try to ease up and never force him again once he starts feeling upset, definitely. As to waking up before the sun rises, I am out of my wits. My husband and I tried to put him to bed a bit later at night, but it’s the same. Tomorrow is another of his doctors appointment. We will ask for a few suggestion with his sleeping dilemma. If he is teething, then I just have to suck it up, I guess.

Mothering an infant is one tough job, and a 24/7 at that. Some things you’ll find works one day and not the other. Babies vary greatly and NOT always predictable. I read one tired mom said, “babies, why can’t they be like a textbooks!” All I know and hoping for is that, things will get better. What matter is that, my son thrives and be a happy baby.

I love him so much!

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